When I Grow Up

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I like what I'm doing right now...

I had a moment of feeling anxious the other night. Anxious about this birth. About the reality of it all. About doing it naturally and drug-free like I did for Abram and Carter. And then I let it pass. I can only assume as the weeks close in I may have more of those little moments. They're only normal, after all.

Who doesn't have those little moments of anxiety about going through it, whether you choose to go drug-free or not? It's kind of a big deal.

(These jeans are so tiny! I love Roca Wear jeans and was pumped to find these little skinny ones with the pink and white 'R's' at the thrift.)

When I mentioned it to Mark, he had nothing to offer in the line of comfort and I just laughed. I'm pretty sure he just gave me a sympathetic look. We've been through this three times before. I wish I could say it gets easier with each child! But it doesn't. It's the end result that you cling to and that's what gets you through it.

That, and trying to brainwash yourself not to feel nervous about doing it. I'm good at living in a state of denial. It's a great place to be. Better to not think about it and let the moment come when it does.

Waiting to meet this little baby is all I live for now. I have a one-track mind. Every time I feel her move, I get so excited. I'm still in awe.

(The trees were so beautiful a couple of weeks ago. The weather was just right and everything was covered in frost for a few days.)

I grew up with babies. Being the oldest of 14, there was always a new baby in the house and I loved it. I was just reflecting on how this is the longest stretch I've ever gone in my entire life without changing diapers or holding babies on a regular basis. I've missed it so much - the baby holding more than the diaper changing. Haven't exactly missed that part too much. (My 'baby' is 6 and a half.)

We are so ready for this - in spite of those little moments where I go, "oh my gosh, I'm going to be so tired again!" I don't even know what that feels like anymore. To be so exhausted you want to die. But I kind of remember it even though it's been so long. And, in reality that extreme exhaustion really doesn't last forever.

I'm just grateful to have a ten year old. I'm hoping I'll be able to take frequent naps at first. Something I rarely got in when the other three were babies.

Comments

[jennifer dessert]

It is only natural to be scared and it can be so frustrating when Hubbys don't understand. They Can't understand.

I will add you to my prayers. Pray for your Peace of Mind.

[jen t]

aw, Jennifer. I love this post. Isn't that just the way? There is always some give and take in life... you write about this waiting time so beautifully, so real!

p.s. you can do it!

[Jacomijn]

Here in Holland it is custom to give birth drug free. And yes, it's not something to look forward to. But I kept reminding myself when it got very bad: tomorrow, same time, I'll be drinking a cup of coffee and laugh about all this. It kind of helped me through the whole thing. And when the midwife held up the baby and we saw it was a boy (yes we wanted it to be a surprise) aah well .... :o)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!