Jennifer's Junky Life ~

The Countdown Continues...

They say the waiting is the hardest part. In a way that's true. Today is day five past my due date. I'm not anxious and overwhelmed like I felt when I was overdue (by three days) with Carter, our youngest. I have a more relaxed attitude this time around and a completely different mindset.

I'm also not dealing with stress and lingering post-partum depression/depression that I had last time. (I had been dealing with it for two years and had only just sought help for it shortly before Carter was born - so I was just beginning to take those steps to get myself on the mend.)

I am, however, anxious to be holding this little baby girl. We've been waiting six and a half years for her and we just keep chuckling that we have to keep waiting. But isn't anything worthwhile in life, worth waiting for?

I've been feeling a little 'yucky' for the past three days - just the most mild feeling of nausea or something. I've also had a lot of mild cramping, as well. Nothing to complain about but definitely a sign that things are changing - and definitely just enough to make me feel like I'm ready for this to happen so I can be on the other side.

I've been having strong and somewhat uncomfortable, but irregular, Braxton Hicks for about a week now. Same as with Carter. I walked around at a 4 for a week or so before he was born. And my labor went fast once things really started going - albeit much too intensely. I can't help but hope that things will go quickly this time, too, but just not as intense... (I hate to use the word but it was a bit traumatic, to say the least... And I said I'd never do another drug-free birth after his.)

This time, I don't know what my 'progress' is as I'm choosing not to be examined due to a different mindset because I realize how much it ups your risk for infection and that it really doesn't make any difference in telling how long or when you'll be in labor. Sure a little part of me would love to know but to me, it really doesn't matter. This whole thing really is a mind game. And if you set your mind to it, those little things won't make a difference.

My doula friend called me yesterday to check up on me. (I like to call her my doula friend because she's also a good friend I met through our home school group a couple of years ago.) She's called a couple of times in the last week and it means so much to me. She's been so encouraging and supportive and I'm really looking forward to having that type of support during my labor this time. I've never had anyone with me besides Mark before - and I love that guy like crazy for the strength and support he gives me - but I think there is just something about having someone there who will know what to say and what to do that could really make a difference during the hardest parts.

Today is another beautiful and sunny day, like yesterday, and once again Mark is home early - a perfect day to give birth. It's got to happen one of these days!

This could be the one...

I was due two days ago but I feel pretty good for being 40 weeks and two days pregnant. I can't complain. I get really good sleep every night and I'm not uncomfortable when I sleep. I go to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. every night. And I only wake up once around 6 a.m. every day and then I'm able to go back to sleep for a few hours. My appetite is pretty much normal. Normal being I eat several small/mini meals throughout my day - just as I have for the past month or so.

{Redneckville. That's what I've dubbed all of our goat paraphernalia out back. It kind of drives me crazy sometimes but I know, or at least hope, that it will all be painted someday to pull it all together.}

I get mild heartburn occasionally but I'm still able to combat it with dairy (organic raw milk and viili/yogurt). I've only had to sleep in the recliner about three times in the past few weeks due to heartburn. I'm able to spend large amounts of my day with my feet propped up - so that keeps me comfortable as well. And I haven't really had too much water retention this time around.

I had an appointment with my midwife today and I've lost three pounds since the last time we met two weeks ago. But I've gained around 30 pounds this pregnancy. I was quite surprised with the loss but she told me that it's normal to lose weight when labor begins... Which for me may have begun several days ago. I've had a lot of strong Braxton Hicks and mild cramping - all normal signs of early labor. And for some people it can go on for days or even weeks prior to the delivery.

I had the same thing with Carter, who was born three days past his due date. So when things really started going, I only had two hours of what felt like labor to me before he was born. But with him it was crazy, instense back labor due to him being in the posterior position. (This baby isn't - so far.)

I feel the most fortunate for my mental state. I feel fantastic and happy and it's not something I ever take lightly after having had depression and post partum depression with my last two kids. I'm remembering to feel grateful often for that this time around... It's no small thing.

I also have really strong nesting instincts and from what I've heard and read that's a great sign because it means your hormones are 'normal' for late pregnancy. It's not just an old wive's tale. I'm taking that as a really great sign personally, as well, because I didn't have those nesting urges when I was pregnant with both of the boys. So it's helping me to feel more optimistic that things will be okay after this little lady is born - just as they were when I had Nikayda.

I'm choosing to go the natural route this time around and that also means that I'm choosing not to have internal exams. For the most part, they're pointless and they don't mean anything as far as predicting when or how long labor will be and they also can up your risk of infection. However, when my midwife measured me today she did say that the baby's head is really low and she wasn't able to move it while feeling from the outside - so that's a good sign!

As good as I feel for being nine months pregnant, I am getting anxious to be on the other side and holding this little baby in my arms! Hopefully, it won't be too much longer...

My six year old keeps telling me that I'm a big, fat and chubby mom. Haha. Can't deny that. But at least I'm happy. And it won't be long before things can start sliding in the opposite direction on the scale. To me, it's all worth it when we've waited this long.

Feeling Alive

I've missed blogging. I love the connections it brings and I love the idea sharing and inspiration that I get from fellow bloggers.

Source.

(Crochet pattern available thru link. I want to learn how to crochet just so I can make this!)

I've been feeling great for weeks now (after that bout of hyperemesis at the beginning of my pregnancy). I'm appreciating every day lately! That's not to say I haven't had to combat a little heartburn with viili (A Finnish yogurt like food) and yogurt. And that my growing belly doesn't get in the way more often than not. And that I don't miss being able to easily reach my feet - but those are all normal things while being pregnant. So, I'm trying to enjoy every second right now.

Source. (Pink Suede Moccasins available thru link.)

The biggest thing for me, and something I've been very open about as an advocate for depression, is that I've been feeling so good mentally. If you're new here, I had moderate-severe Antepartum and Postpartum depression with my second and third children. So, to say I was anxious about that when I found out I was pregnant this time, is an understatement. I was so excited to finally be pregnant, but nervous just the same. But making it to nearly 27 weeks now and feeling this good mentally, my hopes are so much higher that things will be different this time. (All of the winter sunshine we get out here in Minnesota really helps a lot, too!)

Source. (Moon Dream Mobile available thru link.)

Having learned to be open about mental health and surrounding myself with a great support system of family, friends and a local chiro. who has helped tremendously with it has made a world of difference. That, and switching our diet over, in the past several years, to an all-natural/organic, mostly whole foods diet and cutting out refined sugars and processed chemicals.

In the past year, I was also able to finally convert our household cleaners and toiletries as well. (Although, admittedly, I still use a couple of strong chemical cleaners because I feel like nothing else works as easily for the lime build up we get here... We're hoping to eventually get a water softener and Reverse Osmossis... but all in time...)

Source. (Love these burp cloths made with vintage fabrics!)

I have slight OCD, so it was a snowball effect for me from the start when I started converting to natural/organic living. Once I start something, I jump in head first and get obsessed. And the more I learn about the chemicals in our environment and in our food, the more I want to do to make a difference, as small as that difference can feel sometimes.

My {new} favorite quote!

"Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window--or break down a door." ~ Brooke Shields

No one can 'give' or 'take away' your happiness. (Although, they may try.) Ultimately, you have control over whether or not you're happy. It comes from your own heart. It is one thing in life that you have total control over.

Heart & Soul :: Sharing again

Because of my recent post about finally feeling 'normal', I thought I'd share a previous post, from June '07, again. It was very difficult for me to write it, at the time, and it was also the first time I ever talked about postpartum depression on my blog.

I know there are some who may not have read it. I also mentioned in it, that I'd start a campaign to keep the awareness out there, if I could. And, I guess this is my little way of doing my part. I think it is such an important thing to talk about because it is so close to my heart.

Although, I had postpartum depression, and still have anxiety, I feel that the symptoms relate to most depression, after talking to so many others. I am encouraged whenever I hear from other moms who know exactly how it feels. That, to me, is so comforting. It means so much. And that's also why I'd like to share it again. Because I know that every single day, there are mothers out there battling with depression, and feeling like they are all alone. But it's not only women who suffer from depression. Men, and children, do too. It can strike anyone, at any time. Depression doesn't discriminate. And, they need to know that they're not alone.

A normal life

Sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes life is amazing. Or the events that take place, the timeline of events.

Within the past few days, after not seeing too many people within the past several months, due to the lack of vehicle, and the holidays (spending time with mostly family), we've recently made some 'new' friends, and quite an overwhelming amount of you have reached out to say 'hi', either through a phone call or email. And, right when I'm finally feeling like doing things again, getting out, and having fun! I don't even know how to express how that makes me feel.

I am so deeply humbled, and touched, and truly amazed that you would happen to reach out at the same time. I think that is no coincidence. And, it has brought me to (thankful) tears. So many thankful tears.

Aapo asked me what was wrong, yesterday, as they were streaming down my face. And I gladly reassured the poor boy that sometimes mama cries tears of joy.

Because of these feelings, I thought it only fitting to hop on here to let you know. And to let you know that I am doing good, anxiety-wise.

Actually, I'm doing better than just 'good'. Since the beginning of December, I have felt like I'm back to 'normal'. And, there is nothing better than 'normal'! Anyone with anxiety or depression can attest to that.

Life is good, and those feelings of anxiety have subsided. I love the holidays. I love Christmas, and it is always such a happy time. I also feel like, even though the house is still sailing, that I'm s.l.o.w.l.y getting  a grip on things around here, and naturally the anxiety from the actual move, itself, has slowly disappeared.

Sometimes I feel like I could be doing so much more. And that things, as far as organizing are concerned, could be going so much more quickly, in spite of the fact that I don't have closets, a pantry, or cupboards. :P But they aren't, because I'm not focusing on it every minute of every day, and that's what's working for me. {Although, the thought of getting company still makes me panic, ;) just a little, due to this slow progress.} I know we'll get there. Eventually. But I'm the type that when I want something done, I want it done now. So, I must constantly squelch those feelings.

I hope that this 'normal' will last for a while. I've had postpartum depression since I got pregnant for Aapo, and it didn't go away until many months after I quit nursing Carter. {Sometime around a year ago is when I finally started to feel like 'me' again. As a side note, I nursed him for a year.}

But, I've also struggled with anxiety which, naturally loomed overhead during this whole house-building, and the move, last September. I crashed in October. Meaning, I felt so overwhelmed and so exhausted, I felt like I couldn't do another thing. I was beyond drained. {My own fault. I didn't/and still don't know how to ask for help. I moved everything myself, with the kids. And, if you've ever seen my stuff, I have a lot of JUNK.} ;) But slowly over the past few months, I've been doing what I need, in order to control my anxiety, and to feel better. And, I'm happy to say that I finally do. It feels so good to say that I've hit 'normal'. A place, I hope I won't soon take for granted! So, thank you to all who've reached out to say you're there. With my deepest sincerety, I thank you more than words can say.

Why do YOU blog?

I've seen this on a lot of blogs ever since I started blogging, back at the beginning of the year. Most recently I spotted it on Judy's.

1. Do you promote your blog?  No. But I do comment on other blogs that I enjoy and I love to see when my hits go up because then I know people are reading or at least stopping by.

2. How often do you check hits?  When I first started, I checked them all the time. Now, I may check them once or twice a week. Or whenever a new person comments. (Which I love! I really appreciate it when people let me know they stop by.)

3. Do you stick to one topic?  Does anyone?! I'm all over the board. From one thing to the next. I have such a variety of interests in real life and try to keep my blog real in order to reflect that.

4. Who knows that you have a blog?  My family. I started blogging for my family's sake. They live hundreds of miles away from me and wanted pictures of my kids and updates on our life. Then some of my friends found out I had one. And then from there, I've commented on other blogs and met people that way.

5. How many blogs do you read?  On a daily basis, I have a bunch that I read. But as far as that, I also have a bunch that I read weekly. And, I occassionally go surfing. But surfing is so dangerous for me. I find more and more fascinating blogs that way and worry that I'll never have enough time to read all of them. Which, of course, I won't. But I do have hundreds bookmarked on my computer for a 'rainy day'. I love that inspiration is only a click away.

6. Are you a fast reader?  No, I'm very hokey pokey. I like to absorb what I'm reading. To enjoy it. And for me, that means that I'm a slow reader. I always laugh when Mark (my husband) and I read something together. He's always done looong before me. Every time.

7. Do you customize your blog or do anything technical?  Yes. And that darned banner is still driving me crazy! I want the words to be crystal clear and for some reason they aren't. I'm not computer saavy in the least. I once was, but it's all drained from my brain. {Someday, I'm going to figure out that banner...}

8. Do you blog anonymously? To an extent I do. I haven't used our town name or too many other locations that would give anything away. I do mention our state, however. Although, I use my name, I usually don't use last names of those I know. And, I do worry about our safety, my children's safety, from time to time. Sometimes I second guess that I even put them on here. But this was originally started for my family and my kids are my world. I couldn't do a blog without them on it.

9. To what extent do you censor yourself?  I don't censor myself too much. This is it. This is me. I censor very little on here. I talk freely about having anxiety and my past experience with post partum depression and if I can talk about that, I can talk about anything!  But, although there is little I censor you're still only getting a snippet of my life.

10. The best thing about blogging?  The connections. The networking with other people who share the same interests in vintage junk, interior decorating, working on projects, and collecting. I love the connections. And I love that I can keep in touch with my family and friends. I love when people comment and I enjoy getting to know new people. {I'm working on gathering stuff for that drawing I promised.} And I enjoy that I can put my thoughts out there. I used to keep journals but that stopped many years ago. About the time I got married, actually. Now, I have a live on-line diary with feedback. What could be better?

{The wild turkeys came right up to the house, the other day! There were about 10 or 12 of them.}

Two steps forward and one step back is still progress

I'm putting myself out there. I know. I don't mind. Really. :) At first I was thinking, "What are you doing?! Are you nuts?!" But I'm driven by the knowledge that there are so many others who can relate. Who know exactly what I'm going through. I'm outgoing too and I know that helps but I also know that there are too many people sitting in silence and not getting the help they need. It took me two years. Two l.o.n.g years. It is so much easier to do this when you have the support you need. So, I've found a cause and I'm putting myself out there. And that's ok. Because if it gives even one person the courage to seek the help they need. Then it's all worth it.

I'm going through a huge bought of anxiety. Not so much depression at the moment, although it's there. {The depression that I've had has been mostly PPD (Postpartum).}

There is a difference. And there isn't. The symptoms for anxiety and depression can be eerily the same. I don't have a dark cloud hovering over my head. {I've had that before. I know the difference.} But I'm also not feeling like 'woo-hoo!' And, drop-a-hat and I'll cry.

With anxiety, you feel worn down, tired, and look like crap. ;) {Of course...it's like that with depression too.} I'm not avoiding phone calls or people. {I've done that before.} I was on the phone ALL day today. {Thank you to all who called.} :) But I am trying to avoid crowds. {It just feels a little overwhelming.}

At this point, it's just a matter of feeling like I can't handle anything else. You've been there. We've all been there. No matter whether you've struggled with anxiety or not. Everyone has dealt with stress. With anxiety, it's just multiplied. Exaggerated stress. To the point of physical feelings where you can't relax. {Think really tense/tight muscles - esp. neck/shoulders/jaw (for me).} It brings a whole new meaning to the word 'frazzled'. Or 'feeling crazy'. :) Lol! I laugh; I can laugh at that. You've got to be able to see the humor in things. If I didn't, then I'd be at the dark-cloud-hovering-over-my-head stage. And I'm trying not to reach that point.

I can laugh. I can smile. I can spend the afternoon holding my 2 year old little boy on my lap and enjoy his company. His silly little antics and the faces he makes just to make me smile. I can hold my kids and hug them and tell them I love them. A hundred times a day. And I can know that I am doing what I need to do to feel like 'me' again. Moving forward takes time. I know that all too well. I want it to be immediate. To be over this hurdle. But in time I will be there. But I couldn't do it without my husband and my kids. And my friends and family.

I'm going to try to keep up on blogging. I'm going to try to do more regular posts. Because? Well, I like to visit. And visiting is good. :) I may or may not add a post every day. Or I may add 10 a day. We'll see how it goes. I'm not feeling as much like myself ~ obviously. :) It'll take time. There's no miracle cure or even miracle drug that will help someone 'snap out of it'. It all takes time. Lots and lots of time.

Someone said that it 'takes a lot' to write about it. But writing is easy. And I want to do this. Sometimes when you're so close to a situation, you may not know what to do. Or how to react. But by me putting it out there, people have reached out and listened and given me advice that I needed. The emails, the comments on this blog, and the phone calls have all meant so much. It makes me realize that the times I've wanted to reach out and haven't, I should have. It's been so nice to talk to other people. Other people that have gone through the same things emotionally. Whether they have kept it to themselves or not.

And I'm really looking forward to meeting up with some very good friends that have dealt with the same things, for dinner, Wednesday night.

Really looking forward to that.