(Anne of Green Gables)
The thing is...I've been down in the grumps the better part of December. I've been trying to kick it...and truth is, it's not as bad as it all might sound just by saying it here. But, still, there's that feeling that I just can't shake. I've been working out on the elliptical six hours a week trying to combat it, and it's helping but I'm still feeling grumpy.
I love December and Christmas and I haven't felt the least bit in the Christmas spirit this year. Just little moments of glee that soon pass. In fact, I worked to decorate one weekend earlier on and had intentions of doing more -- but haven't gotten very far.
I've been throwing myself into Etsy, though, and that's been helping a little. It keeps me focused.
I know there is work lined up next year. Mark said he's booked from spring through summer. And, although, that makes it somehow easier to know, it doesn't take away the stress right now. So, I've been hiding behind posts with Etsy Favorites just because I'm not necessarily feeling like a jolly ol' elf backstage.
I've been thinking I should start a gratitude journal. There are always blessings to count, no matter what trials one has. No matter what, a person can always be happy. But, somehow knowing that isn't helping right now. I mean, I'm happy, but I also feel kind 'meh'.
Being self-employed is stressful. I can't complain -- I love this way of life (minus this part). I love the freedoms that come with it, so I need to remember that during times like this. I even love that I get my husband around right now when there isn't work. But at the same time, I hate the lack of work.
He takes it so much better than I. Sure, he stresses about it but he's so matter of fact and optimistic about it. God will take care of us, he reminds me constantly. He'll find something. I know that. I'm just so weak. I forget very easily and turn to stress and worry instead.
No worries, I don't plan to fill my blog with doom and gloom but I do want to keep it real. Life goes on behind the scenes and sometimes it's not all fun and games!
So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit stressed but I'm not feeling hopeless. I still have my optimism. It's just that that pesky little pessimism keeps getting in the way.
I'm thankful for many things right now:
Our home. Our family. The fact that I have my Christmas shopping mostly done (still need a few stocking stuffers). We're going 'home' for Christmas (thanks to my Etsy sales) -- it sure beats spending Christmas here alone. We have food, clothing, heat. My elliptical. Good health. The gift of time with my husband (and for the kids to have their dad around) -- not everyone gets that and in the end, it's such a blessing. When it's all said and done, that time together is more of a treasure than any work day. Time alone in the evenings. I treasure that time to unwind every day! A good book. Dreams (at least they're free!). There is much to be thankful for and I'll kick this one way or another.
I know so many people deal with the blues and I'm not alone. I'm an advocate for anxiety and depression so it's only natural for me to put it out there. Life is good. It really is. I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass... (And, honestly, I've had far worse anxiety in my life...like, when we moved into this house. That. was awful. I was quite literally frazzled at that point. So, this is nothing! Just a little anxiety.)