Jennifer's Junky Life ~

Feelings into Words :: Words into Feelings

I'm working on a completely new blog... New URL, layout, design. The works. But with everything else going on, it's a slow process so in spite of trying to hold out and not post (when I've been itching to like crazy lately), I'm breaking down and blogging here until I get the new one up. (Which in all honesty, could take me a month or so at the rate I'm going!)

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What are words? What is joy? What is sorrow? Sadness? Happiness? Love? Despair? What are feelings? Emotions?

How deep is grief? How deep is love?

How do we express ourselves to show our true emotions? The things deep in our hearts?

My sister in law, Mark's sister, Suzy (who was my age, 36 (would be 37 now)) passed away after a year long battle with leukemia this past fall, on October 1, leaving behind a loving husband and seven children (and extended family). His niece, Jayna, (Mark's sister's daughter) who had been fighting leukemia during the same time is doing well.

At the beginning of this year, when January 1 rolled around, I exclaimed to myself that this was going to be a GREAT YEAR! Time to grab life by the horns and live it to the fullest! We'd all been shown how fragile life is. We all had been/are going through heavy grief. There is one thing that watching illness like this has taught me and that is life is precious. So much more precious than any of us can truly comprehend with our faulty human hearts. Even going through hard times like this, it is still very difficult to grasp how precious each day really is.

We go around saying, "Life is a gift.", "Life is precious.", "Live each day like it's your last." But we never truly do that. We try. And we may succeed for a short time but then day-to-day life sets in and we forget and take everything for granted all over again. We're faulty and sinful and we forget to treasure every precious moment.

{Paul and Sara}

Shortly after I made my proclamation to live life and make the most of 2014, my nephew Paul, who is 9 years old (my sister, Sara's (and Jon's) son) became really sick. Before we knew it, he was being tested for Leukemia. The test results came back that he has Aplastic Anemia and as these past weeks have gone by he has been in and out of the hospital many times with fevers/infections and everything is leading to a bone marrow transplant. Without it, he will die.

His brother, Will, 11, is a perfect match and will be his donor. The doctors say they are very blessed to have a match on all seven levels that they tested for and with this transplant he has a 95% chance of survival. Pretty great odds. But it is scary. He is in the hospital right now as I write this with another infection that he is fighting and they're hoping he is well soon so they can begin the daunting process of the bone marrow transplant.

Unbelievably, a short time after Paul was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.

Cancer struck again. Boy, do I hate that word. My mom had surgery to remove the cancer about a week ago and is doing well. We are waiting to hear if it is in her lymph nodes or not...

When I told one of our friends that my mom has cancer now, they responded, among other things, "There are a lot of cancer success stories, too. Not everyone dies from cancer." And that was just what I needed to hear at that moment.

It a little bit feels like time stands still when these things happen. And it is an odd thing to feel "experienced" with this type of heavy news. I can't describe what it's like. My best attempt would be that it felt like the sky was falling that first week after finding out about my mom just such a short time after Paul.

Did my nephew and mom really truly get these awful, horrible diseases right after we went through it with Mark's sister and niece...? Does this really happen in life?

It does. My uncle, Bill, married to my dad's sister, Ann, passed away from cancer this past fall as well. And his son, my cousin, whom we all call Zub is also currently battling cancer. (And Ann & Bill lost their grandson not too long ago, as well.) My heart just breaks. It aches and there are no words... how do we comprehend these things? So many dear friends and relatives have been struck by cancer and illness in recent years. (Both of my parents have lost cousins to the disease in the past few months, as well...)

Sometimes it's just so hard to wrap your head around these things. When things are so heavy. How do you truly express those feelings and emotions? There aren't words... They feel so inadequate. The heart holds so many emotions. We feel love and joy so fiercely but what about when we feel sorrow and sadness like that?

Through it all, though, God is there. How could we truly handle any of this on our own? It is in the moments of numbness that you know you are being carried, held up through the darkness. And somehow it gets to the point where you can "handle it" again. And you go on living. Appreciating every day you're given. Appreciating the blessings life has to hold. Holding on to the joy that surrounds you during those times of great sorrow, for there are many moments of joy, too. There is laughter and love and there is warmth and kindness. Blessings galore. And you are changed. Life is so different, how could it not change you? You will never view it the same again, so great is the affect these things have on you.

Life is too big to be just about sorrow or joy. There is both. There is a delicate balance in this life and if you look carefully, you will find them both. Because even in times of great travesty, there is still so much to be thankful for. Love, faith, friends, support, family, kindness, goodness and joy. Life is beautiful and it is a gift. A very, very precious gift.

Because even when the sky is falling, we have to keep on living. We keep holding out for that joy and love. And if we look, we will find it once again and it will uplift us and carry us and get us through one more day.

Stand Up

At 10 1/2 months old, about a week or two ago, Aria learned how to pull herself standing. These were taken a few days ago, the first time I'd ever seen her do it, but the kids told me she had done it before! (And no one told me!) She still hasn't figured out how to get down once she does it so after she tires of feeling like the big stuff, she usually starts hollering and someone runs to help her. She also learned how to put herself sitting up on her own about the same time. She just sort of scootches backward/upright from laying on the floor.

She recently started pulling her knees up under her in a crawling stance, as well. She hasn't moved too much doing that yet, though. She's still doing the inch worm type crawl she graduated from the army crawl to.

I think she may have figured out the standing thing a little sooner, as well as the crawling stance, if it weren't for our wood floors. She has slid anytime she's attempted it in the past but I think she's finally figuring out how to get a grip - yet her knees still slide out from under her when she tries to crawl!

I have no idea what ages my other kids were when they reached their milestones. (Although, I have it all written down somewhere.) I've a terrible memory for those types of things but I know Carter was my latest walker - sometime around 13 or 14 months old. I kind of feel like Aria will be the same. She's in no hurry to do anything - which is fine by me! I want this baby phase to go as slowly as possible because I'm treasuring every moment after all these years and I know full well how fast they grow.

{She has her mittens on because we had just gotten home from thrifting - and it was a 'warm' winter day so she's wearing a more lightweight sweatshirt with them. Mittens from Fawn Vintage on Etsy. Sweatshirt, thrifted.}

Random Miscellaneous Mind:

I have a virus on my laptop (that I'm using right now to type this) so Mark's planning to drop it off to get looked at on his way to work. Hoping it's an easy fix and it'll be good as new by Tuesday or Wednesday because I have new things to list in the shop (and won't be able to with this gone since all of the photos are on here)!

I made an appointment with a chiropractor, who comes highly recommended, for my hives issue going on. He does a lot of testing for things like this so I'm hoping we can figure out how to get rid of it (without the use of all sorts of strong drugs) - but I couldn't get in until July(!!!).

I started working out again a couple of weeks ago after not working out for two months because of this rash/hives. It has felt so awesome to get back at it! And even though I flared up again this weekend, I've kept at it these past few days. I'm determined to get healthy and fit. It's been a battle for years but I haven't given up since I really started changing things a couple of years ago. I may get sidetracked here and there... But I haven't given up.

I'm hoping to get an area rug in the living room some day but it's not on my list of priorities at the moment. (Kind of wish I'd had one all this time for Aria.)

I can't remember if I've mentioned it on here or not, I feel like I'm always repeating myself because I forgot what I write all the time - but I'm saving for a DSLR. I'm really excited to finally be working towards one instead of just dreaming of one after all these years! I've been wanting one for about five or six years!

The Pull of the Moon

I live in the country, so the night is silent. Right...?

I noticed the beautiful glow of the semi-full moon out of the upper windows in the living room, this evening one evening last fall. So once the kids were all asleep, I slipped out the side door onto our back deck...

{Source.}

Now, normally, I'm a total chicken when it comes to the dark. Totally afraid of the dark. And totally not afraid to admit it. So, I don't typically go outside by myself when it gets dark. I may or may not be known, in this house anyway, for having Mark or one of my very brave children retrieve things if I happen to forget something in the ol' bargain cruiser if it's night time. (Yes, I'm not afraid to sacrifice my own children in the face of my own fears. Some mother, right?)

Mark put up our back deck during the summer. Having a second-floor deck makes me feel a little more secure when I go out at night by myself.

So, this particular night, knowing it was balmy (this is all relative to fall weather here)... knowing it was balmy out and the moon was so beautiful, I slipped out the door and onto the deck expecting to be greeted with a peaceful silence of a warm autumn night. Instead, I was greeted by a whole cacophony of sounds.

Off in the woods, I could hear the soft rustling of leaves as a small animal walked by. The loud bawling and moaning of the neighbor's cows down the road. More crunching of leaves but this time just a couple of short sounds. A brief but deep gentle bleat from one of the goats in the direction of their pen. A truck braking on the highway over a mile away. Dogs barking off in the distance...

Noise.

There was noise everywhere. But when I looked up at the moon, I felt its silence and the night was so still and beautiful. So calming. Soothing. And for a second I forgot all the noise.

{Source.}

The moon is my favorite thing in the whole world. It never ceases to mesmerize me and it's been this way for me ever since I was a child. I love the night. And I love it even more when the moon is out. I especially love that the moon, even for a moment, can let you forget about stressful things.

It can stop time.

Just for a moment.

There is so much more out there than just us. Than you and me. There is so much more than the here and now. And when I look up at the moon, and the stars, I'm reminded of that. And I know that no matter what stressful things I'm going through, no matter what stressful things are happening, everything will be all right. Nothing lasts forever. Not here. Not now.

{The stars as taken from the Hubble telescope. Source.}

I wrote the above passage one night in September, last fall. (2012) We were dealing with the harrowing news of Mark's sister's cancer and things were really scary. (She has since received the wonderful news that she is miraculously cancer-free! This, after being sent home on hospice in early winter...)

...And as I looked out at the beautiful full moon this winter night, the glow of its light sparkling on the snow, the long shadows cast upon the ground from the tall pines, I remembered this post. Life is full of blessings in so many ways. In so many things. It can be so easy to lose sight of that, to lose faith at times... To try to take control somehow when things are difficult. Yet, God is always there to lead and guide us. In Him truly all things are possible.

Chore Charts

I'm implementing a chore chart around here... or, rather, I'm going to attempt to.

Long overdue - my oldest three are 11, 9, and 7. But I never jump on these things like I should. (And then I wonder why I feel more stressed out than I should...!)

I'd like to make something that looks cute enough to hang on the wall in the pantry. Something kind of like this:

(Source.)

In doing so, I'm hoping to kill two birds with one stone: get organized with jobs around here and work on a project. I haven't worked on a project in far too long. And if I post it here, it holds me accountable. Because if I'm not held accountable, I'll probably just get as far as making the job list. (I still might only get that far - but there's more hope of accomplishing it if I write it down.)

(Source.)

I wrote out a list of chores today and will add to them as I think of more. But I'm trying to come up with rewards for good behavior (i.e. no moaning and groaning when it's time to do their jobs... something that happens far too often around here!) and I'm kind of at a loss. I'd love some ideas: big and small. Little rewards for individual jobs. Maybe bigger rewards for continuous good behavior - say for a week at a time, a month at a time, or something down those lines.

(Source.)

I did a 'treat bag' when my oldest three were small and it was really nice for reinforcing good behavior. They got to pick something from it if they picked up their toys when they were supposed to, put things away after using them, helped me when I asked, etc... At that time, it was full of stickers, pads of Post-it Notes , little notebooks, Lollipops , coloring books, little packs of crayons, etc... Now that they're bigger, I'm trying to think of things that will encourage them to do their chores. with a smile on their faces.

Maybe the smile is a bit optimistic but hopefully I can come up with enough rewards to make them happy once they've finished their jobs!

Do you do a job chart? And if so, what types of incentives do you offer your kids? Even if you don't, and you have some ideas, I'd love to hear them. Thanks, in advance!

Oh Deer

Who hits four deer in about two years? ...with the same vehicle? ...in the same area?

You might think that we'd get really upset and even a little ticked off every time we hit a deer but you'd be wrong...

{Photo from last summer.}

Mark and I, along with the kids, were on our way back from DL the other night and saw a deer standing right by the road and it just slow-as-can-be meandered right in front of us as we drove by. And we smacked it pretty good.

And we laughed.

Because it's pretty darn funny to hit four deer in less than two years. Not so funny for the deer, maybe, but sometimes you just have to laugh.

Seriously?! Who does that?

I can't wait to get a new (old) vehicle. I'm more than convinced that this one is jinxed, at this point.

{Photos from last summer. Nikayda taught herself how to do a front walkover and spent many hours practicing it.}

We lost the first bumper at the third deer. Replaced it with the forest green bumper from our old mini-van. (Our current one is plum color.) And, now this green one (pictured, above) was so trashed, Mark had to yank it off on the spot and throw it in the back with the kids.

And we laughed the whole way home. I'm still chuckling about it. Of all the luck in the world.

And, really, we're pretty fortunate if all that we lost is a headlight (in the third incident, as well), and a bumper.

or two.

The kids were with us all three times we hit deer on our way home from trips to DL (at dusk/night). The second incident was a near miss. As in a fraction of a second, on our road. I was driving that time and I had all the kids with me (minus Aria, since she didn't exist yet).

That one was just a few days after the first incident. And I was incredulous at our luck at that time. If I'd only known there would be two more!

The irony of it all is that we now have a plum color bumper on our van again after all this time. Mark was able to purchase an exact match from the junkyard today.

The only real criteria I have for our next vehicle is that I hope the windshield wipers work well and I'd also like the heat to regulate at a steady temperature inside during the winter time. And as a little luxury, it would be nice if the headlights were to shine more than twenty feet in front of us at night. {These ones are awful - although, unfortunately, that wouldn't have prevented these deer incidents.}

Lookin' Out My Windows

These were taken about a week ago after a freshly fallen snow and when the sun came out of hiding.

{Backyard views through screens and all...}

{Front yard view.}

{Inside views. Poor Abram, was sick for a few days... He had a fever and was really tired but he didn't end up missing any school since he felt good enough each morning to do his book work and just laid here while I read out loud in the afternoon.}

It feels like we haven't had very many sunny days this winter... or at least not full days of sun. And, it feels odd since we tend to get a ton of sun in Minnesota during the winter! The sun affects me so much and I'm craving some full sun days.

{On Aria: Shirt, thrifted. Pants, thrifted vintage.}

Plant Life

Notice anything peculiar about this picture...? {Hint, it has to do with the bird.}

That's supposed to be an aloe vera plant. The very same one I tried to kill many years ago. I brought it with us from Michigan when we moved back out to Minnesota 7-plus years ago. It was in our basement in a back room up on top of a bunch of stuff for years and years when we built this house.

A back room that had no windows.

And, prior to that, I had it in a little storage room in our rental that also had no windows.

About a year ago, give or take, I decided to repot it and broke off the top section that was miraculously green in spite of a very long tough brown stem growing from the very dry soil in its pot.

Well... I forgot to harden off the end/root before repotting it in fresh soil. And now there is only one shoot growing... if you can call it growing. It's far from thriving. I just keep watering it occasionally (occasionally being the operative word here... meaning every month or so) and for some reason it just isn't dying.

I suspect this plant has super powers.

I love plants.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have the green thumb to go with that love.

{I like this one. It pretty much died the first week I had it but miraculously revived itself in spite of the fact that I pretty much drowned it.}

Succulents are some of my favorites and these ones could be doing a whole lot better but they're also hardy enough that they haven't died in all the time I've had them.

Plants that refuse to die are good.

Reality

Lest anyone have any misperceptions around here... My house is a mess. It's always a mess. It drives me crazy because it's so messy. We have clutter and crap everywhere. And we have 'construction' mess by means of drywall mud on the walls and half-primed bathroom walls (below), untrimmed windows, no baseboards, no flooring in a few rooms, and unpainted trim everywhere.

{That little piece of paper I taped to the mirror says:
"Exercise ...your right to be healthy." It's my little motivation.}

It's easy to crop out messes so I can post positive, fun photos on here. But the reality is very different. My house isn't like that. I dream of it being like that and if I had it, I'd pay good money to have a professional organizer come in and put it together for me. But I don't so I just chip away at it little by little and hope someday I'll figure out how to 'get it together'!

Sometimes I lose focus and get all negative about it. Like my loft for instance, I've been chipping away at the boxes and clutter up there for years (it's been our 'storage area') and I get so frustrated that it's not done yet. I finally made great progress last year but I still have a bunch of stuff around the edges that I need to go through and haven't had time lately with homeschool and a baby to contend with.

{Ladder for drywall mudding. A chair in front of the stove with something thawing (our preferred method of thawing in the wintertime since we don't have/use a microwave). Clean laundry on the couch. Couch cushions falling off. There is almost always laundry on the couch. Can't tell as much here, but we might as well add 'dirty windows' to the list.}

I'm a collector and I have the junk shop so I have a lot of stuff in boxes for that as well as the things that I love around here. I like stuff. I love to collect things but I struggle to keep it all organized when we don't have closets (intentionally) and I still don't have enough cupboards, hutches, and dressers around here. And I'm a perfectionist so it especially drives me crazy sometimes.

{Clean rugs drying on chairs, uncleared table that also needs to be wiped down. Sheetrock mud on the walls. Unpainted trim.}

So, anyway, there you have it. A little peek at the reality around here. And that's just the 'tame' mess. I didn't even get pictures of the toys all over and the unmade beds and the dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter and... well, everything else. I don't want anyone to mistakenly believe that our house is neat and put together because it's usually sailing!

Actually, when I look at these pictures, I wish my entire house was 'this messy' - because it would be pretty clean compared to how it really is.

Random Miscellaneous Mind

{On Aria: Thrifted Baby Gap sweater. Hand-me-down Baby Gap dress from Nikayda (found at a garage sale). Legwarmers made by my mom. Moccasins from Kaboogie.}

I want this Q & A a Day for Kids: A Three-Year Journal for my kids.

I want to try making these but using this sauce.

I was fired up to come across these on Pinterest. Perfect for storing and dispensing homemade baby food!

It's my dream to find a crib like this. I love the color, too. It seems nearly impossible to find the styles that I'm in love with here in the states. I have a Jenny Lind style but I'm not planning to assemble it this time around. I'm hoping to find something with straight slats.

Aria really likes these for teething and this rattle, as well.

Whales are one of my favorite animals and this is so cool.

I couldn't find any info. on these vertical files on the bhg site... I came across them on Pinterest and really like them. Does anyone know where I can purchase these - or some that are very similar? {They're Pottery Barn. Thank you!} I'm in dire need of organization when it comes to the trail of paper clutter in this house!

Resolutions and Thoughts on Never Giving Up

I'm not really into New Year's Resolutions. At least not in the formal aspect of it all. I pretty much never make them. But this year, I made a huge list of goals for the coming year. Included in that mile long list is to start blogging regularly again. I miss it. It's just easy to just let it slide once you haven't for a while.

{On Aria: Thrifted vintage sweater, vintage dress from fuzzymama on Etsy, striped legwarmers knit by my mom, and leather baby mocs from Kaboogie.}

It's the thirteenth day of January and I figured I had better get started if I want it to count. So here we go...

I'm quite rusty at this whole thing so it'll probably take me a while to 'warm up' again but, lately, I've been doing a lot of contemplating on what it means to give up and what it means to keep going.

I started on a health journey with my doc's guidance (my chiropractor) after Aria was born last year. I've been ever so slowly dropping the weight over the past 8 months and have just about reached my prepregnancy weight. Not my ideal or my goal weight but my prepregnancy weight.

I have been so unhealthy and out of shape for so long that I knew it wouldn't be a cake-walk to get back into shape. There have been ups and downs. And I've struggled to implement a habit of daily exercise again. --In spite of finally starting and keeping one before I got pregnant with Aria. But I haven't been able to consistently start back up again ever since I was laid up with Hyperemesis Gravidarum in the beginning of my pregnancy (Fall of 2011).

But I'm not giving up. I will keep trying every day. Even if it takes me a little longer than I'd like, I will get healthy. (I say 'healthy' because just being 'thin' isn't my goal.)

I just never dreamt it would be as hard as it has been. I cut out almost all sugar and grains for the first 7 months. The weight just trickled off after the initial drop that I got when I quit sugar and grains so sometimes I feel frustrated about that because as anyone knows who enjoys sweets and grains as much as I did, it's *hard* to not eat them. But I was and am very dedicated to this. So I just keep on trucking. (I hope to blog more about my health journey if I can get back into the habit of blogging again.) I feel very fortunate to have such a supporting husband through it all though. Whenever I'm feeling frustrated or I get down about it, he's always so quick with encouraging words and an optimistic perspective to keep me on track. I couldn't do this without him.

I've been working on my loft this winter. It overlooks our living room and it's pretty much been our 'storage' room all these years of living in this under-construction-home. And every year I say it's going to be cleared out so we can use it as an art space and for homeschool. Mark calls it my "lifetime project" since it's been something I've started and stopped - and talked about getting organized - for years.

But this is the year. It's far more cleared out than it's ever been. (i.e. You can see the floor.) I've got a bunch of metal locker cupboards situated up there as well as some bookshelves and old suitcases full of arts and craft supplies. And the boxes that are left up there are boxes full of vintage clothes to list in the junk shop - and some odds and ends I need to put somewhere else. It's getting there... One more thing that's taken far longer than anticipated - but also something I've never given up on. It will be done one day and I can't wait to use it to make art up there!

I believe that if you keep going. Even when you stumble and fall. And you never quit - the things you want to happen will happen. You just have to keep going. Keep fighting. Oh, and think positive thoughts. That part is really important, too.

The New Year lit a fire in me. And I hope to keep that flame burning. I was a little down with the blues at Christmas time and I'm still working through that - but feeling much better. So it feels nice to make a list of goals and begin working toward them.