Jennifer's Junky Life ~

The Pull of the Moon

I live in the country, so the night is silent. Right...?

I noticed the beautiful glow of the semi-full moon out of the upper windows in the living room, this evening one evening last fall. So once the kids were all asleep, I slipped out the side door onto our back deck...

{Source.}

Now, normally, I'm a total chicken when it comes to the dark. Totally afraid of the dark. And totally not afraid to admit it. So, I don't typically go outside by myself when it gets dark. I may or may not be known, in this house anyway, for having Mark or one of my very brave children retrieve things if I happen to forget something in the ol' bargain cruiser if it's night time. (Yes, I'm not afraid to sacrifice my own children in the face of my own fears. Some mother, right?)

Mark put up our back deck during the summer. Having a second-floor deck makes me feel a little more secure when I go out at night by myself.

So, this particular night, knowing it was balmy (this is all relative to fall weather here)... knowing it was balmy out and the moon was so beautiful, I slipped out the door and onto the deck expecting to be greeted with a peaceful silence of a warm autumn night. Instead, I was greeted by a whole cacophony of sounds.

Off in the woods, I could hear the soft rustling of leaves as a small animal walked by. The loud bawling and moaning of the neighbor's cows down the road. More crunching of leaves but this time just a couple of short sounds. A brief but deep gentle bleat from one of the goats in the direction of their pen. A truck braking on the highway over a mile away. Dogs barking off in the distance...

Noise.

There was noise everywhere. But when I looked up at the moon, I felt its silence and the night was so still and beautiful. So calming. Soothing. And for a second I forgot all the noise.

{Source.}

The moon is my favorite thing in the whole world. It never ceases to mesmerize me and it's been this way for me ever since I was a child. I love the night. And I love it even more when the moon is out. I especially love that the moon, even for a moment, can let you forget about stressful things.

It can stop time.

Just for a moment.

There is so much more out there than just us. Than you and me. There is so much more than the here and now. And when I look up at the moon, and the stars, I'm reminded of that. And I know that no matter what stressful things I'm going through, no matter what stressful things are happening, everything will be all right. Nothing lasts forever. Not here. Not now.

{The stars as taken from the Hubble telescope. Source.}

I wrote the above passage one night in September, last fall. (2012) We were dealing with the harrowing news of Mark's sister's cancer and things were really scary. (She has since received the wonderful news that she is miraculously cancer-free! This, after being sent home on hospice in early winter...)

...And as I looked out at the beautiful full moon this winter night, the glow of its light sparkling on the snow, the long shadows cast upon the ground from the tall pines, I remembered this post. Life is full of blessings in so many ways. In so many things. It can be so easy to lose sight of that, to lose faith at times... To try to take control somehow when things are difficult. Yet, God is always there to lead and guide us. In Him truly all things are possible.

Chasing the Sun

So many people are hit with seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) this time of year, especially here in the north where the sun hides away so often during these cold months.

I've dealt with bouts of mild depression and not-so-mild bouts of anxiety off and on over the years. (And of course, PPD after two of my births.) But to my recollection, I haven't ever dealt with S.A.D. before... at least that I've been aware of. I love winter! It's been one of my favorite seasons for years.

This year is a little different. I've had a mild case of the blues for a couple of months now. Nothing over the top or anything. But just enough to pretty much feel like 'meh' a lot. So, in other words, it's not affecting my daily abilities to function and look forward to things or to work on my goals in life so much as it's just making me feel more crabby and irritable. More 'meh'.

{This is the back of our house when looking from 'out back yonder' as the kids call it - where the goats roam. Mark finished putting up the siding on our house last year. And now I'm feeling more optimistic that our house will get painted someday! That little building is our sauna. Someday that will have siding, too.}

The winter blues is one of the biggest reasons I started blogging again. I've missed this. And blogging helps me to focus on the positive. That, and the fact that month after month I was paying for an empty blog... I figured it was high time to put this space to use again!

{Redneckville: This was formerly Mark's sawmill shed 'out back yonder', until he sold his sawmill. It doesn't have walls/sides yet. It's basically just the structure, with a roof with shingles on it. And it's where we store all sorts of junk such as loads of salvaged building supplies and things scavenged at the local dump.}

One afternoon, last week, I ran outside with camera in hand only to realize it was absolutely freeeezing cold and I didn't last long. But it still felt good to get out for those 15 minutes even if I came back in with numb and frozen fingers.

Where we live, here in Minnesota, we tend to be fortunate in that we see a lot of the sun in the winter time. But this winter it seems like we've had many more cloudy/overcast days than usual - or just partly sunny days with a lot of cloud coverage. And the sun greatly affects my mood, as many of you can relate. I thrive on that sunshine! When it's sunny, I feel like cleaning and doing projects and working on art. But when it's cloudy I just feel all 'blah' and unmotivated.

{Our coop, made from giant shipping crates, which will be fully sided and have more windows someday, too.}

Last year, I couldn't wait for spring because we were anticipating Aria's arrival. This year, I've had spring fever again because I'm anticipating the arrival of more sunshine! Can't wait for that and warmer weather.

{Mark made a little ice rink near his sauna for the kids this year. They love it! We've neve had one before. It's nothing fancy, no tarp/plastic or anything. But he said if he'd realized how much work it was going to be to make it straight on the ground without plastic, he'd never have done it! Now if the weather would warm up a little, they'd be spending their time out there again... My thermometer doesn't work, but the program on my laptop says it's -4° F and 'feels like -15°'.}

I can't wait to not garden this year. After many years of attempting to garden, I finally came to the conclusion that it's just not my thing. I plan to just stick with potted herbs that I'll put up on our (new) back deck which is just off the kitchen. And maybe I'll try some flowers this year since I haven't done too much with those in the past. But I'm giving up on growing produce. And I'm okay with that. We have plenty of sources for good healthy produce, including our new local organic grocery store, farmers' markets, CSA's, and Azure Standard, that it makes it easier for me to just let go of something that wasn't working, that didn't feel like my thing. Sometimes letting go is a good thing!

The Countdown Continues...

They say the waiting is the hardest part. In a way that's true. Today is day five past my due date. I'm not anxious and overwhelmed like I felt when I was overdue (by three days) with Carter, our youngest. I have a more relaxed attitude this time around and a completely different mindset.

I'm also not dealing with stress and lingering post-partum depression/depression that I had last time. (I had been dealing with it for two years and had only just sought help for it shortly before Carter was born - so I was just beginning to take those steps to get myself on the mend.)

I am, however, anxious to be holding this little baby girl. We've been waiting six and a half years for her and we just keep chuckling that we have to keep waiting. But isn't anything worthwhile in life, worth waiting for?

I've been feeling a little 'yucky' for the past three days - just the most mild feeling of nausea or something. I've also had a lot of mild cramping, as well. Nothing to complain about but definitely a sign that things are changing - and definitely just enough to make me feel like I'm ready for this to happen so I can be on the other side.

I've been having strong and somewhat uncomfortable, but irregular, Braxton Hicks for about a week now. Same as with Carter. I walked around at a 4 for a week or so before he was born. And my labor went fast once things really started going - albeit much too intensely. I can't help but hope that things will go quickly this time, too, but just not as intense... (I hate to use the word but it was a bit traumatic, to say the least... And I said I'd never do another drug-free birth after his.)

This time, I don't know what my 'progress' is as I'm choosing not to be examined due to a different mindset because I realize how much it ups your risk for infection and that it really doesn't make any difference in telling how long or when you'll be in labor. Sure a little part of me would love to know but to me, it really doesn't matter. This whole thing really is a mind game. And if you set your mind to it, those little things won't make a difference.

My doula friend called me yesterday to check up on me. (I like to call her my doula friend because she's also a good friend I met through our home school group a couple of years ago.) She's called a couple of times in the last week and it means so much to me. She's been so encouraging and supportive and I'm really looking forward to having that type of support during my labor this time. I've never had anyone with me besides Mark before - and I love that guy like crazy for the strength and support he gives me - but I think there is just something about having someone there who will know what to say and what to do that could really make a difference during the hardest parts.

Today is another beautiful and sunny day, like yesterday, and once again Mark is home early - a perfect day to give birth. It's got to happen one of these days!

This could be the one...

I was due two days ago but I feel pretty good for being 40 weeks and two days pregnant. I can't complain. I get really good sleep every night and I'm not uncomfortable when I sleep. I go to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. every night. And I only wake up once around 6 a.m. every day and then I'm able to go back to sleep for a few hours. My appetite is pretty much normal. Normal being I eat several small/mini meals throughout my day - just as I have for the past month or so.

{Redneckville. That's what I've dubbed all of our goat paraphernalia out back. It kind of drives me crazy sometimes but I know, or at least hope, that it will all be painted someday to pull it all together.}

I get mild heartburn occasionally but I'm still able to combat it with dairy (organic raw milk and viili/yogurt). I've only had to sleep in the recliner about three times in the past few weeks due to heartburn. I'm able to spend large amounts of my day with my feet propped up - so that keeps me comfortable as well. And I haven't really had too much water retention this time around.

I had an appointment with my midwife today and I've lost three pounds since the last time we met two weeks ago. But I've gained around 30 pounds this pregnancy. I was quite surprised with the loss but she told me that it's normal to lose weight when labor begins... Which for me may have begun several days ago. I've had a lot of strong Braxton Hicks and mild cramping - all normal signs of early labor. And for some people it can go on for days or even weeks prior to the delivery.

I had the same thing with Carter, who was born three days past his due date. So when things really started going, I only had two hours of what felt like labor to me before he was born. But with him it was crazy, instense back labor due to him being in the posterior position. (This baby isn't - so far.)

I feel the most fortunate for my mental state. I feel fantastic and happy and it's not something I ever take lightly after having had depression and post partum depression with my last two kids. I'm remembering to feel grateful often for that this time around... It's no small thing.

I also have really strong nesting instincts and from what I've heard and read that's a great sign because it means your hormones are 'normal' for late pregnancy. It's not just an old wive's tale. I'm taking that as a really great sign personally, as well, because I didn't have those nesting urges when I was pregnant with both of the boys. So it's helping me to feel more optimistic that things will be okay after this little lady is born - just as they were when I had Nikayda.

I'm choosing to go the natural route this time around and that also means that I'm choosing not to have internal exams. For the most part, they're pointless and they don't mean anything as far as predicting when or how long labor will be and they also can up your risk of infection. However, when my midwife measured me today she did say that the baby's head is really low and she wasn't able to move it while feeling from the outside - so that's a good sign!

As good as I feel for being nine months pregnant, I am getting anxious to be on the other side and holding this little baby in my arms! Hopefully, it won't be too much longer...

My six year old keeps telling me that I'm a big, fat and chubby mom. Haha. Can't deny that. But at least I'm happy. And it won't be long before things can start sliding in the opposite direction on the scale. To me, it's all worth it when we've waited this long.

Once Upon a Monday

Today was one of those days... One of those days where I'm 35 weeks pregnant and feeling a little grumpy because I didn't get enough sleep. I don't function well without sleep so this is going to be something having a newborn again! I know the only thing that will get me through the sleep deprivation factor is having a new little being to love and snuggle again.

I had to run errands today so the kids and I ran to the thrift. I didn't find much... A little (Target brand) 18 month size yellow sundress for my baby and some 2T aqua leggings for her, as well. I found three Pyrex mugs for the junk shop. A pair of really cute children's moccasins - trying to decide if I want to hang on to them for years for this little lady or if I should just list them in the shop... And a bunch of vintage plates for us. I've been wanting a few more dinner plates and one of my kids has an affinity for dropping dishes whenever he unloads the dishwasher or gets a plate down for himself so I also found a bunch of the small dessert size plates since our stock of them has greatly dwindled in the past year! (I still need to get a photo of my hutch - the one I said I'd take pictures of last week. I'll try to get that this week along with my thrifty finds.)

We also ran grocery shopping since I didn't get out last week. I'm planning to make pasties this week. (That's pronounced with the short a sound - and they're basically hand pies with meat, potatoes, carrots, onions and rutabaga - for those unfamiliar with them.) I'm hoping to make a huge batch this week so I can freeze them for when the baby comes. They're such a quick and easy supper that way.

I visited with my new midwife at the beginning of last week. She wasn't 100% positive on the position of my baby - which made me feel incredibly apprehensive because it feels to me like she's head down... Admittedly, it made me feel uncertain and nervous that she couldn't tell, too - even though I realize sometimes that can happen when the baby is in a certain position.

Anyway, she wanted me to do an ultrasound to confirm presentation and I was holding off on it but it's making me feel so upset and worried at this point that I finally scheduled it. I need to know for my own peace of mind. (I've never had a breech baby before.) It's scheduled for tomorrow (Tues.). I'm looking forward to knowing either way. If she's breech, then I can decide how aggressive I want to be in getting her to shift into the right position. But I'm really, really hoping I'm all worried and anxious for nothing and she's in the position she's supposed to be in...

For now, I've been continuing with inversions and other exercises from the Spinning Babies website. Here is hoping for the best...! I have a planned outing to the thrift for after the ultrasound. Nothing will be better than a little thrifting therapy after all this!

Photos: New items in the junk shop.

Feeling Alive

I've missed blogging. I love the connections it brings and I love the idea sharing and inspiration that I get from fellow bloggers.

Source.

(Crochet pattern available thru link. I want to learn how to crochet just so I can make this!)

I've been feeling great for weeks now (after that bout of hyperemesis at the beginning of my pregnancy). I'm appreciating every day lately! That's not to say I haven't had to combat a little heartburn with viili (A Finnish yogurt like food) and yogurt. And that my growing belly doesn't get in the way more often than not. And that I don't miss being able to easily reach my feet - but those are all normal things while being pregnant. So, I'm trying to enjoy every second right now.

Source. (Pink Suede Moccasins available thru link.)

The biggest thing for me, and something I've been very open about as an advocate for depression, is that I've been feeling so good mentally. If you're new here, I had moderate-severe Antepartum and Postpartum depression with my second and third children. So, to say I was anxious about that when I found out I was pregnant this time, is an understatement. I was so excited to finally be pregnant, but nervous just the same. But making it to nearly 27 weeks now and feeling this good mentally, my hopes are so much higher that things will be different this time. (All of the winter sunshine we get out here in Minnesota really helps a lot, too!)

Source. (Moon Dream Mobile available thru link.)

Having learned to be open about mental health and surrounding myself with a great support system of family, friends and a local chiro. who has helped tremendously with it has made a world of difference. That, and switching our diet over, in the past several years, to an all-natural/organic, mostly whole foods diet and cutting out refined sugars and processed chemicals.

In the past year, I was also able to finally convert our household cleaners and toiletries as well. (Although, admittedly, I still use a couple of strong chemical cleaners because I feel like nothing else works as easily for the lime build up we get here... We're hoping to eventually get a water softener and Reverse Osmossis... but all in time...)

Source. (Love these burp cloths made with vintage fabrics!)

I have slight OCD, so it was a snowball effect for me from the start when I started converting to natural/organic living. Once I start something, I jump in head first and get obsessed. And the more I learn about the chemicals in our environment and in our food, the more I want to do to make a difference, as small as that difference can feel sometimes.

My back is killin' me, my face is smiling and my heart is happy

My Grandma T. always says only lazy people count their work... I spent the entire afternoon and evening priming two stools (one metal, the other wood), the top of a coffee table, a small but ornate picture frame, a wooden tray, a metal midcentury bathroom shelf, a bunch of small oval metal frames and two wooden plaques. Next week, I get to start on the fun part... Making them colorful! I'll have before and after photos as I finish them. (Below: All but the upside down metal stool and the long table are for the craft show.)

It all started on this rainy Saturday because yesterday while out garage saling I came across this super long mid-century coffee table. It had all but lost all of its stain and was in pretty rough shape. After checking it out a bit, we figured the top is probably oak. It's heavy. The legs are wobbly (I need to glue and secure them before priming them). It's also slightly buckled in the middle -- but it's subtle enough, I don't care. The elderly gent hosting the sale told me to just take it.

Well, there was a slight problem with that because I only had the ol' bargain cruiser and there were already three children inside. After briefly contemplating whether or not to dump them and take the table, I quickly came to my senses and called Mark who was working nearby. Luckily, he agreed to run by and pick it up after work.

So when I got home from garage saling and running errands, much to my surprise he was already home. And the table was sitting smack dab in front of the couch in the living room. Since the basement is already flooded with projects and junk to go through, I knew I'd have to do something quick or I'd be staring at an ugly table for who-knows-how-long.

We're forecasted rain for the next few days, so I just threw down some junky vintage sheets drop cloths and started priming.

And couldn't stop. I'm so wired on doing the craft show this summer and on getting projects done around here so I can do more decorating. And, mostly because I've been wanting to join Project Restyle (hosted by A Beautiful Mess) ever since it started.

The sun popped out this evening for a short spell and I quickly ran outside to squeeze in some spray priming for some of the metal pieces for my booth. (Have I mentioned how fun this is? I'm loving painting again!) The best part is, I have enough stuff in the basement to refinish that I won't have to buy a single thing for the show (not counting paint and supplies). Although, I know that won't stop me now that garage sale season has started.

I'm still here!

It's been so quiet around here the past few months but I wanted you to know I'm still here! :)

This week, I'm in spring cleaning mode. Today, I washed a bunch of junk that was piled up in my entry way from some recent (and not so recent) thrifting/garage sale excursions. I haven't been taking as many pictures lately, so none to post.

Since I'm really good at procrastinating, I still haven't hooked up the printer I bought over a month ago. But I really need to so I can finally print out my camera manual. I'm kind of anxious to start figuring it out. (I've only had the camera for about six months now...) I'm getting antsy after seeing my sister's latest pictures. Granted, she has a new "super camera" and I want one of those, too, but I can't justify it until I learn a little more how to use the one I've got.

We had River in the house for exactly a week and a half before I sent him outside. I couldn't handle him in here. He continually peed in his crate and I never could figure out why (it was just small enough for him to crawl in and turn around in. I even bought Nature's Miracle to clean it with and it didn't help. And, I took him out as soon as he made any noise.) And, honestly, I can't believe I put up with him in here for that long. He got up two to three times a night to go potty outside and he was up at the crack of dawn every day. Not unlike a newborn, but not half as fun!

I give everyone who house trains an animal so much credit. He learned a lot in that week and a half and was starting to pick up on things, but I was getting too much anxiety* with him in here (which is what my chiro. (natural doc.) has been helping me with, and I was taking steps back -- so that was a big factor. That, and the fact that my husband suggested he should be outside because of how stressed out I was getting). I don't do well without sleep. At all.

It just wasn't worth it. And, I've been so much happier since putting him out there. It was a weight lifted, that's for sure! (That 'nice little distraction' got old fast...)

The thing is, he was brought here to be an outside dog. I just didn't want him out in the cold when he was so little but he's so happy out there now with Willow (our Husky). And, she is too having a companion again! And, it's finally warming up, so I could do it guilt-free. Nevermind the six inches of snow we got this weekend... (It's all but gone now.)

I threw a few more things in the junk shop. Long overdue, and not as soon after that last post as I'd intended. With homeschooling, I never get to anything as quickly as I think I will. I have a ton more stuff to list, some I already have photos of and still much more unphotographed. I'll get to it eventually! Things are looking up around here and I hope to be on here a little more often. (Not making any promises that I'll be on here daily though...)

*If you're new here, and wondering why I'm so open about anxiety/depression -- I consider myself a huge advocate for both and by sharing my life, I hope to help others. It's so important to me to help break the boundaries of the stigmas that surround both anxiety and depression. I openly mention it here, and I'm equally as open if anyone ever wishes to talk IRL.

A little River and a Willow

Time to snap out of this slacking business! Actually, I hadn't meant to quit blogging for so long... but I guess to be honest, I was feeling a wee bit of the blues for the past month and just haven't really felt like it. (I've been on book but just not here.) I haven't read very many blogs in the past few weeks either -- so I've got some catching up to do!

It was nothing serious -- but I'm feeling much better this week after taking some natural supplements from my chiropractor. I more or less just felt kind of 'meh' about everything lately. Nothing felt overly exciting but it really wasn't bad (nothing like the PPD I've talked about in the past) just more or less a lack of enthusiasm for everything. (And, if you know our current situation with Mark's job, I'm sure you can understand why. But, even as I say that, I have to say that we're both still so thankful for his job! It's just that it's not always easy and comes with some challenges...) But yesterday was the first full day that I felt like me again and I do again today and the chiro. told me it should keep going on the upswing, which I was quite happy to hear.

And, whether it will help or not...we got a new puppy! He's an Aussie Shepherd and his name is River. He was born Feb. 9 and we've known for several weeks that we were getting him. The kids have been so excited. I went back and forth on names the entire time. Although River was my initial pick, I ended up putting it on my list of boy's names because I loved it so much, but in the end since I'm not pregnant and I do have other boy's names I love on that list, we went with it. And I think it fits with Willow (our Husky).

He's so sweet. We're looking forward to seeing his personality come out...and hoping he won't be too much of a little trouble maker! And bear with me... I haven't had a baby in a long time so I'm afraid this is going to be our new 'baby' for a while. Nikayda has been cuddling him ever since he got home and carrying him around everywhere!

Here is hoping he doesn't keep us up all night...! If we walk away from him, he just starts barking and barking his little bark. Like he is right now. Every time I have the kids put him in his little kennel to get some rest, he just barks. He only rested for a short spell in there this afternoon, and I'm sure at this point, he's got to be tired.

I got a new printer this past weekend but I need to figure out how to hook it up and use it. Then I can finally print out my camera manual.

If only the printer could read it for me, too... I have no idea how to use my settings and I've had it for months.

Um...okay...he's trying to shred the towel I have in there with him... I'm thinking he's not going to settle down.

Just like a baby.
And, so begins our first night together.

Fact is, Marilla, you never went to a ball.

(Anne of Green Gables)

The thing is...I've been down in the grumps the better part of December. I've been trying to kick it...and truth is, it's not as bad as it all might sound just by saying it here. But, still, there's that feeling that I just can't shake. I've been working out on the elliptical six hours a week trying to combat it, and it's helping but I'm still feeling grumpy.

I love December and Christmas and I haven't felt the least bit in the Christmas spirit this year. Just little moments of glee that soon pass. In fact, I worked to decorate one weekend earlier on and had intentions of doing more -- but haven't gotten very far.

I've been throwing myself into Etsy, though, and that's been helping a little. It keeps me focused.

I know there is work lined up next year. Mark said he's booked from spring through summer. And, although, that makes it somehow easier to know, it doesn't take away the stress right now. So, I've been hiding behind posts with Etsy Favorites just because I'm not necessarily feeling like a jolly ol' elf backstage.

I've been thinking I should start a gratitude journal. There are always blessings to count, no matter what trials one has. No matter what, a person can always be happy. But, somehow knowing that isn't helping right now. I mean, I'm happy, but I also feel kind 'meh'.

Being self-employed is stressful. I can't complain -- I love this way of life (minus this part). I love the freedoms that come with it, so I need to remember that during times like this. I even love that I get my husband around right now when there isn't work. But at the same time, I hate the lack of work.

He takes it so much better than I. Sure, he stresses about it but he's so matter of fact and optimistic about it. God will take care of us, he reminds me constantly. He'll find something. I know that. I'm just so weak. I forget very easily and turn to stress and worry instead.

No worries, I don't plan to fill my blog with doom and gloom but I do want to keep it real. Life goes on behind the scenes and sometimes it's not all fun and games!

So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit stressed but I'm not feeling hopeless. I still have my optimism. It's just that that pesky little pessimism keeps getting in the way.

I'm thankful for many things right now:

Our home. Our family. The fact that I have my Christmas shopping mostly done (still need a few stocking stuffers). We're going 'home' for Christmas (thanks to my Etsy sales) -- it sure beats spending Christmas here alone. We have food, clothing, heat. My elliptical. Good health. The gift of time with my husband (and for the kids to have their dad around) -- not everyone gets that and in the end, it's such a blessing. When it's all said and done, that time together is more of a treasure than any work day. Time alone in the evenings. I treasure that time to unwind every day! A good book. Dreams (at least they're free!). There is much to be thankful for and I'll kick this one way or another.

I know so many people deal with the blues and I'm not alone. I'm an advocate for anxiety and depression so it's only natural for me to put it out there. Life is good. It really is. I just have to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass... (And, honestly, I've had far worse anxiety in my life...like, when we moved into this house. That. was awful. I was quite literally frazzled at that point. So, this is nothing! Just a little anxiety.)